30 weeks!

This is my 29 week bump from vacation. Haven't had a chance to take a 30 week pic yet. Note that my shirt is bursting at the seams.



How Far Along: 30 weeks 3 days

Total Weight Gain: 28 pounds. I was just weighed this morning.

Movement: Constant and very strong.

Food Cravings: Cherry limeade sherbert freeze from UDF...I want one so badly right now!!! Also still eating donuts with chocolate icing on a regular basis. I want one of those right now too!!

Clothing: I am having trouble finding tops in my closet that fit these days. My belly sticks out so far that a lot of things are just not long enough. My maternity shorts, the bigger ones, are still fitting pretty well and pre-pregnancy sweatpants still fit.

Stretch Marks: Ugh! I found one on my lower belly on the left side. I am not happy about this!!

How I Am Feeling: I feel like I have hit another wall. I am so uncomfortable in the afternoons and evenings and cannot seem to find any great position for sitting or lying down that helps. I cannot believe I still have another 6-7 weeks to go.

Labor Signs: Contractions are pretty well controlled since Dr. A upped my dosage of Procardia. My cervix is still holding strong at 1cm dilated and 10% effaced so I guess the medicine is doing its job! Also got another fFN test on Sunday that came back negative. This is fabulous and probably buys us at least another 2 weeks!

Complaint Department: I am back in the hospital again for another kidney stone. I went to Dr. A's office on Monday morning because I was having lower back pain and lower pelvic pain that was clearly not related to contractions and was only on my right-hand side. It was also becoming very painful to urinate.
When I got to the office I went in the bathroom to give my urine sample and it came out orangish-reddish...gross! Dr. A took one look at it and told me I needed to be admitted to the hospital. He said with that amount of blood in my urine that I might have a kidney infection which could cause pre-term labor.
So here I am...back in the hospital. The goal is to pump me full of IV fluids to flush out the stone. I am also on some really heavy-duty IV antibiotics for the possible kidney infection. And of course, quite a bit of pain medications because as you all know from my posts last time I had a kidney stone, this is no walk in the park. I do not know how long I will be here because this is a "wait and see" kind of thing.

Final Thoughts: Aside from the infertility issues that we had, this pregancy has been one of the hardest times I have ever been through... Physically and emotionally.
I am in constant pain. My back, hips, and lower abdomen hurt all.the.time. When I lay down I feel like I cannot breathe and when I sit up I have contractions. Every day feels like a year and it seems like I will never make it to the finish line.
Now that I am dilated I feel like a ticking time bomb. I am terrified of having these babies too early and the fight they will have to put up if that were to happen. I am so worried that my babies will be in the NICU and after I deliver them I will have to leave the hospital without them.
I am sick and tired of being in bed all the time. I feel like I am missing so much and it doesn't seem fair.
I feel like I was robbed of my 2nd trimester "honeymoon" phase of a pregnancy. I went from feeling sick and tired in the 1st trimester straight to being unable to move and fatigued all the time in the 3rd trimester. I would have liked to have had some time to nest and get the nursery ready and finish getting the house in order.
I cannot stand that I am not in control of anything lately. I cannot do the things I want to do and have to ask for help with everything. I do not like being a burden on other people...It sucks for them and it sucks for me.
Worst of all though, is how this has affected my ability to be a good mother to Max. I cannot sit down on the floor and play with him. I cannot pick him up to comfort him when he is crying. He is constantly asking me if I am feeling ok and that is not something a 3 year old should be worrying about. He doesn't understand why mommy is different and it breaks my heart. Being away from him while in the hospital is the absolute worst though. While on the phone with Adam last night I could hear Max crying himself to sleep in his bed saying "I want my mommy" over and over.

I know that I have not exactly been private about my complaints when it comes to this pregnancy but I get the feeling that when I vent to people about how hard this all is or how frustrated or depressed I am right now that it in some way takes away from how gratful I am to even be pregnant at all. No one has specifically said that so maybe it is just me being overly sensitive (shocking, I know). I am grateful and I do feel blessed but I also need to have a "safe place" to vent my emotions and not be judged for it. A year ago today I was taking Clomid and praying that it would work and I had no idea the journey it would take to get where we are today. We have been given the most amazing gift of two babies and I cannot wait to hold them in my arms and tell them how much I love them. Please do not think that because I am unhappy right now with the situation that I am ungrateful for the gift we have been given. The two do not and should not go hand-in-hand.

Ending On A Positive Note: My room at the hospital is right across the hall from the nursery and I can hear all the brand new babies crying all the time. It makes me smile because it is such a sweet sound (when it belongs to someone else) and it makes me so excited to meet my own babies. It is as if god was listening to my prayers and heard my frustrations and put me here on purpose to refresh me and give me a new positive outlook.



Thanks for reading and thanks for listening :) Love you all.

P.S. Vacation recap post with pictures coming soon to a blog near you!